The very first experience I had that told me there was something wrong with the Church was when I was approaching baptism. I was in Sunday School class (age 7, going on 8) and the teacher was explaining that we would be baptized to remove our sins. At that time my "sins" consisted of lying and being mean to my best friend Marilyn.

"Up until this time your parents have been responsible for your sins..." (this caused me some pain, because I loved my mom and dad and didn't want them to be blamed for my sins.)

"After you are baptized, you will be responsible for your own sins....when you die, you will be held accountable for all your unrepented sins, they will be written in a book...the book of life."

I thought about it some, even asked my mom and dad their opinion, and the next week I told my teacher, "I'd rather believe when I die there is nothing else, that it will just all be over."

What an outcry that brought, from my teacher and the Bishop. During my baptism interview I was definitely "set straight" by my Bishop about what the Plan of Salvation is. I think he recognized my penchant for thinking outside the box and determined I might need a little "meat" with my "milk." After my interview I became very repentant. I wanted to please Heavenly Father, my parents, my brothers and sisters, grandparents, and ward members. I would not let anyone down! I tried my very best to live the letter of the law as I understood it, when I failed, I was very sure to ask Heavenly father to forgive me. All I felt when I was given the gift of the Holy Ghost was the heavy hands on my head and the shaking of some of those hands from fear or old age, I wasn't sure.

The next incidence came at age 11. I was to turn 12 during the first week of September and looked forward to going to the St. George Temple to be baptized for the dead. I had spent the summer in earnest prayer, and paying a full tithing of my babysitting money and money I made from selling night crawlers. I always attended all my Church meetings, said my prayers, did service projects including visiting the elderly in town and honored my parents and elders. Of course all the other sins like Word of Wisdom or chastity, swearing, or watching "bad" movies didn't apply to me at the time. I wanted to be pure in the sight of the Lord...I worked very hard to be worthy, so I could go with the rest of my class to attend the Temple just one week after I turned 12.

Well, there was a scheduling problem, I guess they overbooked the baptismal font at St. George for September, but our Ward was offered the opportunity to attend on the last Saturday in AUGUST!!! I wasn't going to be 12 for another week, and my ward only had the chance to travel the 120 miles to St George twice a year. Of course no rule could be broken for me - baptism for the dead requires you to be 12, so I couldn't go.

The next opportunity to go to the temple came 1 full year later. You can bet I had looked forward to the chance to attend for that entire year. I had spent more time praying, fasting, working, attending, paying, visiting, abstaining - - I was worthy. The morning we arrived at the temple I felt that the Lord's presence would truly be there...that's what they told me in Church...that the presence of the Lord - the actual physical presence could be in the Temple. My friends had been there the year before, most of them wore mini-skirts and makeup, they were laughing and giggling as we entered the Temple...I thought they were being very irreverent. My freshly washed and shining face beamed as the temple worker told us to put our jewelry and any money or valuables in a locker SO THEY WOULDN'T GET STOLEN!! Oh well, I thought, there are those who want to destroy our Church and they could very well have sneaked their way in here...I'd better be safe than sorry.

Went into the dressing room, a little old lady told me to strip while she handed me the jumpsuit I would wear into the water. She seemed quite disinterested as I stood there fully naked and she told me the procedure...go up the stairs, down into the water, hold my nose like this, the priesthood holder would hold my arm like this...the prayers would be read one after another and each time I would be baptized for someone else, probably about 25 different women in succession. She ended by saying, "Now I don't want you to bend over and wring the water off your legs when you come out of the font, these outfits get see-through when they're wet...wouldn't want you to go show your butt off to all those men!

While I was being baptized, a busload of kids arrived from Las Vegas. Their skirts were even shorter than my friend's, they had more make-up, and they literally ran up and down the stairs in the room where the baptismal ordinances were being conducted. It was shabby, it wasn't spiritual, there was no presence of the Lord, nothing. I got home late that night after almost being in a head-on wreck when the Bishop fell asleep at the wheel. He told us he was sleepy and he could sure use a coke to help him stay awake...but that would be against the Word of Wisdom! Yeah, good idea...let's get in a horrendous car accident instead of drinking coke! LOL

WOW, this is getting long...I'll take the next 15 years and make it short. Saw my bishop (father) smoking, found out my mom (MIA President) was kissing the young men's Leader (I tried to believe it was nothing more,) found out all my ancestors were polygamists - explained to, that polygamy was a way for women to be taken care of during the trek to Utah. Found out that polygamy had been practiced by Joseph Smith (Church denied it). Found out that living as perfectly as possible was not gaining me a testimony...I still had doubts. Got straight A's in school, and in Seminary, perfect Church Attendance, met with Bishop every year for my worthiness interview. Obeyed the Word of Wisdom, read the Book of Mormon every night, read the Bible and interpreted it the way they told me in Seminary, dated young men who went on missions after groping me in cars, watched my dad become alcoholic, watched my sisters become pregnant, watched my friends use drugs, watched them all lie about it and become community leaders.

Prayed over, and over, and over again to know the Church is true. Prayed to Heavenly Father for answers, prayed to Heavenly Father for deliverance. Met a convert that was 24 years old from Las Vegas, he came to Utah to be part of the Church. He told me he was divorced...that his wife had left him when he joined the Church. He spoke in tongues, he had the gift of prophecy, he had the Spirit and the Priesthood. My small, hometown, loved him as they always do when a new member joins. He told me I was special, that Heavenly Father had chosen me for him...it didn't matter that I was 16, hadn't the Prophet Joseph Smith himself married 14 year old girls. He told me God spoke to me though him, that that is what the power of the Priesthood is...men receiving revelation for their wives. I believed him.

Went to my new Bishop, told him I was struggling, told him I had questions, told him this man wanted to marry me, told him we had had sex once, that it wasn't good, that I needed forgiveness, that I was confused.

Bishop told me that he had already interviewed my young man. The Bishop said the man was very spiritual and only wanted the best for me. He too, had been to the Bishop to ask forgiveness...he was forgiven and so was I.  The Bishop said the man loved me and had my best interest in his heart. That he was a good man and would make a good husband for me. By abstaining from sex for a year we would be pure and worthy of the Temple and by having an eternal family we would make our Heavenly Father happy and we would be happy too. I took the Bishop's advice (the man didn't) he ran around and practiced earthly polygamy with every female that would have him.  I didn't know that then.  

We were married when I was 17 and still in High School. Ten months later our son was born, by that time I knew I was deeply in trouble. I went to the Bishop again...he told me to work it out. 14 months later had our daughter.  Three years later I was bound and determined to leave him. He was a white supremacist that built bombs for a hobby, he had given me a condition that only penicillin would cure, he beat me.  By this time we were homeless and living hand-to-mouth in a camper and pick-up truck.  When I left him, I found out I was pregnant for the third time (at an abortion clinic in Las Vegas) with my second son. My life had just hit rock bottom. I was faced with killing my child or killing myself, or killing him. I prayed to God, that my son would bring me joy, he told me to hang on. I did.

I left the Church then in my heart. Everything I had ever been told had been a lie, I knew it. I went home to my parents in my little home town, I attended my old Ward, people loved me and helped me. I never saw my husband again...it turns out he had never been divorced from his first wife in Texas. I never received child support or alimony. I worked darned hard to raise my three little beautiful children...and believed if there was a God, they were my gift from him.

Eventually I remarried a good LDS man, had two more children, prayed constantly, doubted the Church, lived my life. It came time for my new husband and I to decide if we were going to be sealed for "time and all eternity" in the LDS Temple. We talked to our Bishop in Salt Lake City about sealing the first three kids to us....he told us it couldn't happen. 1) My ex-husband was still a member in good standing. 2) He refused to give his permission 3) There was a process that would allow me to have him excommunicated, or he could give his permission. Neither of those things were going to happen. I knew then that God's plan for my life did not involve a hierarchy that put rules before people and little children. I turned my back to the false God of Mormonism - - the only God I had ever known.

I studied astrology, Wicca, and new age religions, always looking for a way to fill the void in my life. I felt like such a failure, I had no Church family, life piled up on me for years and trials, and years, and more trials. Finally at age 45 I went to the Midvale cemetery for my lunch hour. I sat at a picnic table contemplating throwing a rope over a beam on an awning at the park, jumping off the table and ending it there once and for all. I said a prayer, I poured out my heart once again, I cried, I was sorry I had failed, I had sinned, I had put myself first....then I got up and walked away.

That Sunday, I attended a Christian Church for the first time. The first person that met me at the door gave me a big hug. The pastor invited me to give my life to the Lord...I couldn't do it. The next Sunday I returned, I was greeted with a hug. A man who grew up in the LDS town next door to mine, came and sat down beside me. He bore me his testimony that Christ had died for me, that he loved me and all I had to do was admit I sinned and turn to him, then he asked if he could pray with me. He did, I cried. Next Sunday I returned, was hugged and had a group of men come and encircle me, they prayed for me.  The love of Christ flowed through those men and embraced me as my barriers broke down and I admitted I needed a Savior. I asked Christ into my life...I became born again.

I went home and read the Bible starting with the New Testament. It spoke to me, it spoke about me. I read the Old Testament, it spoke of my Christ to come. I read the NIV version of the Bible, it spoke to me too. I read the Bible again and every time I read it, it spoke to me in different ways about different issues. It was the living Word of God. It answered every question I've ever had. It was God's word to me and no one could interpret it for me and nobody needed to. I am now a Christian and I meet with the body of Christ...they teach me things that God has done for them. They and I are part of the body....each of us special in our own way.

I am still a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I am a born-again Christian. I have died to myself, I have died to false doctrine, I have died to endless works and guilt. I am alive in Christ, he has paid my debt with his life and with his love.